Recently, I took a trip down to Los Angeles to visit some extended family, one that was long overdue. It has been a little over 4 years since I last visited and overall it was a good visit. My grandparents are declining in health and it was difficult to hear about and (now) finally see them transition into their current state. My grandmother has Alzheimer's disease, my grandfather type II diabetes. Their speech is difficult to understand and their ability to be independent is barely there. It was a stark reminder that not everything stays as it is. I have to admit, a small part of me believed that everything would stay the same as I grew up and honestly, that's how it was until a couple of years ago. Time moves on, circumstances change. Thoughts of having to take care of my parents are starting to pop into my head. My family and especially my father was wondering why I haven't bought a house yet. I think at some level they have expectations for me, but not as much as a traditional Chinese family would.
My mother is a lovely lady. We had a conversation while I was down their visiting about our family expectations. She admits that of all the siblings in the family, she is the least traditional and of course, that translated over to me. Her expectations for me could be described as high but not strictly enforced. She always warned me that I would be screwed if I messed up in whatever scenario it was. But that was it. The rest was up to me. The one statement of hers always stuck with me. "Whatever makes you happy is good." I was never sure whether she really meant "whatever makes you happy, makes me happy." She could have been angry half the time, but I didn't know it. Ignorance is bliss.
Where was I going with this?
Right. Expectations. The pressure stemming from expectations just wasn't there for me. The traditional family wasn't really there for me either and I think this played a huge part in developing my current state of mind. My parents split up when I was young. My mother, her significant other at the time and I moved away from my extended family to WA state several years later. At that point, I officially started becoming more American than Chinese. Everything was put behind me. This wasn't necessarily a bad thing. At the time, I didn't like it that much and to this day, I still wish I was able to enjoy having an extended family near me as I grew up. But in hindsight, the changes got me ready for everything else that have come my way so far. The prescribed path was never for me and I am not really interested in it.
House? No thanks. Not yet anyways. Every article on the internet would tell you that renting is like throwing away money. From a strictly financial standpoint, it is. But for me, this lifestyle choice allows me to not limit myself. Having that freedom is so valuable to me. I really think there is a mental component to owning a house/condo that folks underestimate.
Recently, I had job that involved photographing multiple crossfit athletes performing specific movements. It was for a book written by a former Crossfit instructor for other Crossfit instructors. The author's name is Sean. He had just moved to Seattle roughly a month before I met him for the very first time at a coffee shop to go over the details. Sean previously owned a Crossfit gym back East and instructed for quite a bit of time. During our time together, he told me he was like me when he was my age, not wanting to settle, always thriving for something new. He's in his mid-40s now and he admits not having as much gusto as before and for the first time in his life, he is wanting to settle down. It was good to hear that what I am doing now isn't totally off.
I suppose I should relate all of these random thoughts to photography somehow.
My mother and I went back to Redondo Beach, CA where I spent the latter years of growing up in Los Angeles. We visited the house where we lived. We walked the same path we took to get to the beach and we explored the Pier to see if anything changed. I even bought a Churro for myself with my own money (side note: these things were $3 back then and were the holy grail of treats if I scored one, I remember only ever having two as a kid). That was awesome. As we walked back to the car after watching the sunset, I realized for the first time I was finally old enough to go back somewhere I reminisce about my past. Odd really. Call me crazy, but to me, memories are just a whole bunch of electronic signals in your head. Photographs are an exact representation of that specific moment. They are proof and they are tangible moments. They are our stakes in the ground. The photograph below was one of the last frames during my visit. For me, I think it will always remind me of my time as a kid.
